Online (Up)dating

Since finding out that I can occasionally sort of tell how people find this blog, I've been fascinated with how they make their way here. Lately the majority of the google searches are for dating information. I only have three words for you people:

Don't try it!!!!!!!

Dating is bound to end in either crying or marriage, and if divorce statistics are to be believed, marriage also ends in crying a great deal of the time. I'm kidding! But only partially so.

I happen to know exactly what I don't want from dating, and not actually a whole lot about what I do want:

• I don't want to ending up doing some guy's laundry or washing his dishes after dating for however long that entails.
• I don't want some guy telling me that (having already adequately fed my children) I can't spend my last $15 on a CD instead of food.
• I don't want anyone telling me that I can't go to Lola's, although I'd be okay with a guy telling me it was out of bounds to kiss a bald Spaniard while I was there.

I'm kidding! But only because Etro is actually a more popular hang out for bald Spaniards.

That said, I've already learned this much about online dating: It's every bit as absurd as the rest of life. For instance, the site I signed up for has an option for sending a "flirt." I believe these "flirts" offer a selection of canned phrases, all of which roughly translate to:

"Hey! I'm interested in your profile, but not interested enough to compose my own sentence!"

They should really nix the canned flirts in favor of canned rejection. I need one that says:

"I didn't read your message yet, but I'll get back with you the next time I get a wild hair and think a bunch of potential rejection and crying would be right up my alley."

or even

"Thank you so much, but I have a date to go hear Hayes Carll, and Porterdavis isn't until next month."

Since they don't actually offer an anti-flirt though, I'm sort of just living with the guilt of a bunch of unread messages. What was I thinking? I can barely keep up with the emails from people I actually know.

I did manage to give my phone number to two guys. One of them was pretty obvious. Out of the messages I managed to read, he was the only guy who actually came up with a song about a chicken. Besides, he had a music reference in his very first sentence and books in his picture background, so how could I not?

I gave my phone number to one other guy, because he's a member of an outdoor club, and that sounded interesting. But when he called he told me that he was selling his jukebox! I can't date a guy who would hang onto all kinds of who knows what, yet sell a perfectly operable jukebox! I mean, technically I COULD, but it sounds like guaranteed misery. No pun intended. Or pun intended. Either way.

Besides, he told ME to call HIM! I don't do that. He apparently neglected to notice that I specifically requested borderline stalking behavior from a guy who enjoys songs about chickens (or whiskey)!

Meanwhile, if you're up for actual dating advice, I think you'll have to look elsewhere. Since I'm also getting a fair amount of searches for the word "naked" these days, let me just say that I'm afraid I won't be much help on that front either. I CAN, however, put you in touch with a guy who sells motorized ride on beer coolers.