Parenting 101

So the guy who's been partially responsible for my recent scarcity in the blogging world insists that my kids respect my authority. It's true that every now and then I do have a flash of parenting brilliance.

Tonight at the Chick-fil-A, for instance, my friend Beth notices Cassie using a cup of Sprite to beat a coffee stirrer into a pulp. "Cassie," she warns, "you're going to splatter that everywhere!" "Yeah," I chime in with a wave of my hand for emphasis toward the back of the restaurant, "If you're going to do that, go do it closer to the policeman."

I hear chuckling and glance up to find that the place had cleared out enough for the policeman in question to have heard me. He says the splatter wouldn't bother him a bit because, "I have handcuffs that fit small wrists." 

Uh huh. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Moments later, Beth is encouraging her son Jake to stuff his mouth full of crackers in order to make the recital of tongue twisters more amuzing. "Chew!" she orders, thrusting a second cracker in his general direction, "Chew!" Jake resists, claiming that "Polly doesn't want a cracker." 

"She's just saying to chew," I point out, "She didn't say swallow. After you chew it, you can spit it wherever you want."

I glance up, and once again the nice police officer has definitely heard our superior parenting in action. I tell him, "We're raising fine, upstanding citizens here, in case you're wondering." "I stopped wondering about you guys a long time ago," he tells us. 

He actually leaves his chair to inform us that, "You guys are the reason I still have a job here." Yep. That would be us. Every Tuesday, whether Chick-Fil-A needs us or not.

Here are my sweeties on Halloween ready to devil worship or practice polytheism or something:


I was SO proud of Cassie, who made her entire toga costume by herself using a bed sheet, some leaves she found outside, a few ribbons, and hot glue. My sole contribution to the project was to refuse to drive her a block away to borrow a safety pin. 

Did I mention I'm raising self reliant, fine upstanding citizens?