How to Buy a House

First off, try and make certain the economy is in total turmoil. A mortgage crisis is not totally necessary but it's a nice touch.

See if you can get the closing date on Rosh Hashannah, one of the most celebrated Jewish holidays of the year.

Then, arrange for the biggest hurricane to hit your area in 50 years to plow through 18 days before the closing date. Check and see if the house is still there.

Once bankers, mortage people and all interested have reached optimum panic, have them appraise the house. Make sure they find it lacking by at least $15,000. This step should only be performed AFTER turning in notification to vacate your appartment and calling for utitilities to be hooked up, preferably less than one week before closing. This is crucial to maintaining stress levels.

Have the closing date postponed to an undetermined time in the distant or not so distant future. Go to morning services on what would have been closing day.

Make certain to turn off your cell phone during services. This is just common sense not to mention common courtesy, but you also want to make certain you are totally unreachable in case the mortage company wants to spring a surprise closing on you THAT DAY.

Skip afternoon services in order to spend three and a half hours signing papers.

Tell seller not to worry about showing up before the end of banking hours. As it turns out, title companies are more than happy to stay open hours late, perhaps due to the current economy. Make sure the seller (who is having all types of simlar fun at his own closing) knows there is no rush to get there before the place closes and the contract has past its date.

Find out at 8:00 at night that the seller just signed and the house is yours.

Yeah. Forget all that. Actually, just pick out a house and see if your boyfriend will buy it. By the way, did I mention I'm moving?