How to be a Toddler - An Instruction Manual with Illustrations (Brought to you by a Real Baby)

Take apart lamps in restaurants.

Don't bother taking apart the ones at home. You can just break those.

Eat all this stuff. It doesn't have to be all at once. But a wide variety is a good thing.

Don't even worry about choking. Your mama will take it out of your mouth. Try and get a game of "chase" out of her first though.

Eat blackberries directly off the bush.

Even if they're not at all ripe.

And don't taste exactly right.

Pick the stuffing out of your changing mat where it has split. Supplement your diet of things you found on the floor with this delicacy on a daily or even hourly basis.

Lower yourself into the pool in the deep end while mama is looking at you through the viewfinder of the camera.

Again, don't worry about personal safety. Your mama will rescue you. Right after she snaps the picture.

If she puts you in the shallow part though, ask to get out right away.

But still be upset if mama asks daddy to rinse you with the hose just because you're done.

Eat the thingies that lower the blinds.

And lip stick. And diaper cream. And small change. But most of all books. Magazines too. Look at them for awhile first though, so the adults around you will get confused and think that you're past that stage.

Last but not least, if sucking on the soles of shoes has ceased to alarm your parents because you partake of the delicacy so often, try making a mad dash for the sharpest knives every time they open the dishwasher.

It's especially effective if you immediately run your bounty across your lips just after you've seized it and before they can catch you.

I have a bunch of other fun activities too, but that's about it for this public service announcement. Brought to you by your friendly innocent looking thirteen month old: