I'm almost as good at cooking as I am at eating. Or wait. Maybe I'm almost as good at eating as I am at cooking. Instructions on how to carve a pumpkin:

First take out some of the goo that's in the pumpkin. Come on in, the water's fine!

Pick up the glass bowl right away and dump all the seeds onto the ground. Try not to get any seeds or goop on the newspaper while you're dumping them. Dad might still want to read it, after all.

I like to make sure and step on the seeds too. I don't fully crush them of course, because I'm not making wine. But mashing my foot in them just so releases the flavor.

Go ahead and keep eating the entire time. Pumpkin guts, a snack, whatever you happen to find on the floor…but don't let any seeds escape!

For that certain eau de drool, make sure and lick the seeds before roasting.

You're supposed to let your mom do the actual carving. I'm not sure why.

Make sure to have a small snack after all that work. Trashing the kitchen is exhausting work! If your mom says you're too little for Halloween candy, see if she'll make you ghosts out of a red banana and some raisins.

Leave the pumpkin seeds on the counter for at least two days or until such time as they disappear because Dad gets tired of seeing them. (as it turns out, Mama doesn't have time to roast and Dad wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about this project as I thought he would be).

Wait...were we roasting seeds or carving a pumpkin? I always forget. Whatever it is, it's probably happening past my bedtime.