Stuff I Learn When My Kids Are Sick

Yeah. Pamper your skin, right in the privacy of your own home. Because by "pamper your skin," I'm sure they must mean "yank your hair out by the follicles."

So this is some of the stuff I learned while my kids were sick:

1) A bottle of Resolve Pet Stain Remover looks almost exactly the same as Zout Laundry Stain Remover. Also, I'm really glad The-Guy has a gray couch. Also, those two facts have absolutely nothing to do with one another. Almost nothing to do with each other, that is.

2) Raw pizza dough does not respond well to being rinsed in hot water in the sink.

That's why I recommend (for those who spend the time to fix pizza dough from scratch) not spilling an entire vase full of flower water directly onto the dough that took almost two hours to prepare. Because, as it turns out, dough doesn't roll out well after being rinsed off in the sink.

3) My cat, Sugar, likes to play guitar by plucking the strings with his teeth. Okay, so I already knew that. But I never had the opportunity to get a picture before:4) That hot wax stuff that pampers you by yanking the hair from its follicles works WAY better than the cold wax strips. In fact, it works SO well that it will even pluck individual hairs out of your head if you happen to look at the jar too closely.

In fact, the only down side to that hot wax stuff is it's seriously messy. And I can't figure out how to get it off of...well...any number of things.

As the old saying goes, it's been real and it's been fun...but it sure would be great if I were back at work by the time you read this.

Those Girl Scout People Are Trying to Kill Me

I was happy to see these for sale at Target the other day, because I noticed they're 100% non toxic, as opposed to all the other teddy bears they sell there, which they like to coat in pesticides.

I'm KIDDING! But only partly kidding, since they've discovered that most of the toys my gal teethed on 13 years ago were full of phthalates and all kinds of other poisons.

I don't think they use poisonous plastics on baby teethers anymore. They just save all the bad stuff for the formula now-a-days. Better to go directly into the digestive system than having to worry about absorbing small amounts through the skin or mouth, right?

And speaking of ingesting bad stuff, I'm pretty sure The Girl Scouts are trying to kill us. Every year six or seven SEEMINGLY innocent girl scouts guilt me into buying a box of sugar and fat and food color.

It's very confusing because it says right on the box of cookies, "The Girl Scout Cookie Program is good for your community!" Except...last time I checked sugar and partially hydrogenated palm kernal oil (not to mention red #40 lake, yellow #5 lake, blue #1 lake, and blue #2 lake) were NOT good for my community.

But what the heck do I know. I never was a girl scout. I pass this sign all the time on my way to school though:You know, as much as I dislike being ordered around by signs, I did TRY to sign up for Boy Scouts. But I was 11 at the time. Because my neighborhood didn't have a girl scout troupe. So, of course, my friend and I tried out for boy scouts. But apparently they aren't interested in girls.

That's why that sign really should specify exactly WHO it's trying to order around. "Join Cub Scouts! NOW! And I mean it! Unless you're a female...or gay..." Or are they letting in the gay people now?

Either way, I missed out on the whole sugar and partially hydrogenated oil pushing experience as a child, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Just in case you hate me for life now: I understand scouting is a fine organization except for the discriminating against gay people thing, and I respect them for teaching children everywhere how to go camping. But I'm still resentful about having to buy the cookies and being ordered around by yard signs.

'Cause That Fake Jesus Church is for SUCKERS I Tell 'Ya!

I'm KIDDING! There is no fake Jesus church. At least, I think I'm kidding.

Because it stands to reason that the True Jesus church must be distinguishing itself from something, after all. So it seems like there should be a Fake Jesus church around here somewhere. Maybe.

Meanwhile, the school has put me in charge of my boy's thoughts. Scary, huh? Seriously, I'm only interested in being in charge of my boy's food and the way he spends his time. I had no idea parenting included thought control.

But three times a week I have to sign a paper that says my boy practiced his multiplication tables in his head for fifteen minutes a session. So on our drive to school, while it's still dark out, I say "Okay! Start thinking about math!"

And then I time him while he thinks about math. And THEN I sign a paper that says he thought about math. And then his teacher signs it.

How the heck does SHE know what he's thinking!?!?!?! At least I'm in the car with him. I'm pretty sure the school's not going to be giving me any awards for hoping he secretly thinks about ping pong or curing cancer or platypuses or something every now and again.

I've been semi-absent from Blogerville lately, in part because KPFT radio station had its pledge drive. So that meant I got to spend my free time (which, I believe, averages out to 46 seconds a day, occurring mostly before 6:00 am) taking pledges.

I missed out on some blogging time, but I got to talk to a little old lady who told me that the reason she was so hard to understand was because she was on too much whiskey. Glad she cleared that up.

And I got to take a pledge from Hayes Carll and tell him my entire family is in love with him. Except I forgot to tell him my entire family is in love with him, but at least I remembered to take his pledge.

And we saw Hayes Carll in concert. And we saw Guy Forsyth in concert (Guy Forsyth in a cheesy venue is still awesome, in case you were wondering).

And then the rest of my free time I've been forced to spend rollerblading because it's been gorgeous out. And them are the rules. At least, I'm pretty sure that's why dad always went through the house saying, "What you doing inside?!?!? It's gorgeous out!!!! At least open window for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Anyway, that's what I've been up to, controlling my boy's thoughts. Taking pictures of church signs...the usual.