Death by Teenager, Part 4,752

I'm interested in any ideas on how to survive the whole parenting a teenager thing. I'm sure it must somehow involve having seriously awesome health insurance, so I hope the government gets all that business hammered out soon.

If you've noticed that I haven't been around the Kingdom of Blogdom lately, I'll bet you've been thinking, "Surely she's died from that mysterious and seemingly fatal disease called 'parenting a teenager.'"

Or maybe you thought, "I'll bet she's all kinds of swamped at work and comes home totally stressed out and barely able to keep her eyes open through the whole homework and dinner and after school activities part of the day."

Or "She doesn't have any time because it's the Jewish High Holidays" or maybe even "God probably struck her down dead for living in sin and joking about it over the internet."

Yeah. So anyway you know how sometimes on a weekend you're trying to make heads or tails of your checkbook and your man's out in the yard and you figure he's all happy because he likes being in the dirt and commanding the plants and stuff and then all of a sudden you can't finish doing your checkbook because you have no internet because the cable runs through the flower garden?

And it turns out the cable to the phone and internet is now severed because who the heck knew the cable for the phone and the internet ran through the garden anyway?

It turns out that all of the above are pretty much true and valid reasons why I've been missing from the Kingdom of Blogdom this week. Most of those are true and valid reasons. Except for the God striking me down dead part.

Maybe God was trying to let my teenage gal do the dirty work on that one. But as it turns out my sweetheart, my angel, sweet pea did not totally do me in this week. I have the feeling she's probably up to the task though, so I'm glad I have halfway decent insurance.

And So That's Why I'm the Teacher. I think. Maybe.

Happy Jewish New Year everyone! Shana Tova & Happy Rosh Hashanah!

I already had two kids before I knew that a Jewish new year existed, much less spawned greeting cards. The-Guy-Who-Knows-A-Song-About-A-Chicken at least knew the Jewish New Year/Rosh Hashanah in childhood.

But then I sent two kids through Jewish preschool and I teach Jewish preschool, so I think we're sort of neck and neck when it comes to Jewish ignorance.

I'd explain why I've been absent from Blogsburg this week, but then I'd have to complain about work in public, which might be against my religion. I think. But as I stated above, I wouldn't really know. And so that means I only do stuff that's against my religion sometimes. Or maybe that means I do it often, but discreetly.

Or maybe I mostly do that kind of stuff unknowingly. And then my gal has to tell me. Like Thursday when we had this conversation about shacking up with The-Guy-Who-Knows-A-Song-About-A-Chicken:

Her - "That's against Jewish law, y'know."
Me - "Really? How do you know? Did you find that out in Sunday school?
Her - "In school, in Understanding Judaism class"

Oh. Well. Crap. I was hoping that was mostly a Christian sin.

In any case, I haven't had a whole heck of a lot of free time this week AND Older Gal's been asking me to blog some stories about when the younger kids were even younger than they are now. And since today is a Jewish holiday, I'll start with a Jewish one.

This I know for certain about Judaism - Saturday is Shabbat, the sabbath, what Sunday is to Christians. So one Saturday night I hear my boy crying in his bed. He's maybe four at the time, maybe three. I wake him just enough to stop the crying and he goes back to sleep.

The next morning I ask him, "Why were you crying in the night last night, do you remember?" He answered sleepily, "I think I was a little bit sad because Shabbat is over."

My boy's teachers had apparently been hard at work making certain his Jewish education was on par for a three or four year old. I can only hope I'm indoctrinating my own charges half as effectively. Because I'm the teacher, after all. Crap. Maybe I better go study.

Houston: Home of the BIG Billy Goat and the Gender Confused Rooster

There's plenty to see in the 4th largest city in the US, I'll say that for it. For example, the Pollo Feliz is not just a restaurant, it's a chain!
Tell me, exactly how happy (feliz) can a chicken (pollo) be if she's dead and grilled up as an entree?

Those chickens must be on some seriously potent antidepressants. I wonder if they got a shampoo and blow dry before the slaughter? Because you know, they say being well coiffed helps you feel your best.

Besides, that guy looks like a rooster to me. And darned if he doesn't look awfully perky for a happily gender confused dead grilled rooster too.

But that's not all! You can also buy goats and stuff (big billy goats!), right INSIDE the city limits and everything:I think that the gang graffiti on the sign testifies nicely to the urban environment, as does the bra that was lying in the road right near the sign:We also saw roadside praying offered on the way to school last week:Yeah, the shot's a little fuzzy but that's a guy offering praying by the side of the road. The sign reads like this:Leading us to the following conversation:

Me - Aren't we lucky you guys go to religious school and I work at a religious school so we don't have to pray by the side of the road? We can just pray at school.
(pause)
Me - I need to turn around to get a picture.
Younger Gal - NOOOOO! Mama, people don't like it when you make fun of Jesus on your blog!!!
Me - I'm not making fun! I'm only slightly teasing! Surely Jesus can take a little teasing?
Younger Gal - The Jews sure can...
Me - Besides, this one ISN'T teasing OR making fun. With this post I can un-alienate all the people I alienated with the teasing.
(makes illegal u-turn in front of police car)
(turns into parking lot)
Me - This white van is STILL following me!
Younger Gal - Of COURSE it's still following you! You're going to its place!

And then of course I snapped the photos, which is soooooooooo much safer than texting and driving. And of course my kids were almost late for school. But that's just what happens when you live in a city with so many interesting sights.

Camping: A Love (and/or hate) Letter

Camping, Camping, I love you! Oh how I love you!

Camping, for you I brave insects. For you I take ice cold showers in spring water! Just for you, Camping, I sleep on a pillow wet from a thunderstorm. Year after year I do these things for you, Camping. Because I love you.

Except, Camping, sometimes when I trudge across the great outdoors at three in the morning to use a bathroom that would make the one in my favorite scummy bar look downright sanitary, or when I contemplate the sheer number of rained on damp things that must be crammed back into the back of the car for the drive home, that very same love can feel suspiciously like hate.

But I'm kidding Camping! There is no hate. There is very little hate. Those feelings are only fleeting, Camping, I promise!

Because I love you, Camping. You are my good and true friend. Camping, when I am with you daily storm and strife falls away, like the boys dropping from the rope swing.

On the Other Hand, Animals Are Probably Less Likely to Text While Driving

Since the whole house pet/rapture post, Older Gal has been walking around the house proclaiming, "Animals are people too!"

In all fairness to her, this was initially a response to a conversation she had with her dad. She had spent the day volunteering at a farm owned by a family that rescues animals.

The-Guy and I hear a knock on our bedroom door.
Older Gal - "Can I come in?"
The-Guy - "No."
(pause)
The-Guy - What do you need?
Older Gal - To talk to a person...who's not an animal.

The pet/rapture post also led Older Gal and me to this conversation -

Older Gal - But animals are people too! There should be a way for them to be saved.
Me - Well I don't think they can be...
Older Gal - Yeah, I don't think they can be either
Me - because they're not supposed to have souls. But if you look at Sugar you can clearly tell that...
Older Gal - He's going to the pit!!!!!!!
Me - Awww! Shuguee!
Older Gal - What?!?! You've said it yourself!
Me - Oh. Yeah.

On a totally different subject, a teacher in the lunchroom was expressing her disbelief that we actually need a law forbidding people to text and drive at the same time. She exclaimed something about "How dumb can people BE?!? Can't they figure that out without a law!?!?!?"

And I was all, "Are you KIDDING?!?! They can't even figure out not to drive into a giant building unless there's an arrow sign telling them not to!" And then I showed her this picture, because it was still on my camera at the time:So anyhow, I took some other good sign pictures, but we are going CAMPING soon, and so I have to get ready and stuff. But I can't tell you where or when or with whom, because of Debbie's rule.

But if it happens to take me a little longer than usual to answer comments, it might be because I'm communing with mosquitoes...I mean nature and stuff.