I'm the uncool mom. But I'm good at it! Sometimes. Occasionally. Ok, there was six seconds last Wednesday when I didn't screw up too badly.

I found out a few months ago that talking about boobs doesn't make you a cool mom. Well, talking about boobs a little bit does, apparently, but talking about them a lot doesn't.

I'm not sure why. But them are the rules. I know, because I had this conversation with my friend Beth a good while back:

Beth - "So Jake was telling me he wanted to go to this place he saw on TV that looked fun.

We went back and forth on the name and finally figured out that he meant Dollywood. So I asked him if Dolly Parton was in the commercial. I said, 'Did she have blond hair?' and Jake said yes.

So I asked if she had really big boobs and Jake said, 'You're so cool!"

Me - "I talk about boobs all the time and my kids don't think I'M cool!"

Beth - "You talk about them too much."

Me - "Oh."

Taking my kid to a bar downtown didn't make me cool either. Even though I was attempting to take her to the "Cash Bash", as in Johnny Cash Bash.

In fact, it turns out my gal is afraid of crackheads. Who knew? Her and her friend sounded like this in the back of the car:

My sweet pea - He's got sleeping bags! And he's YELLING at us!!!!
Her friend - That just means we're good.
My sweet pea - At what?!?!?! Pissing off hobos?!?!?

Seriously, what's the use of going downtown if you don't piss off a few hobos? Or crackheads. Actually, I think we should start calling them car security professionals. Maybe issue a few badges.

That might make people feel better. Because I found out my friend wasn't so crazy about the homeless looking people hanging around downtown either:

Me - We just park right over here.
Her (indicating a "hobo" by the side of the road) - I don't know about that guy there.
Me - He just wants to watch your car for a couple of dollars.
Her - I don't know if I want him to watch my car!
Me - The crackheads?!?!?! They're good at it!

You know what makes you a totally cool parent though? Letting your kid drive your car! Mine loved that! Doesn't she look happy?I mean, not that I care if I'm cool or not. I'm just trying to make it through this whole parenting thing without enough resentment to eat one or both or all of us alive. I do have a moment every now and again though.

Preschool: it's where the poop is. And the vomit. And the ear infections. And the strep throat. They're cute though. Gotta give them that.

Hello, I don't know how my life gets like this, but things are out of control busy as usual. Although this cold brought on by a couple shots of whiskey at a friend's may slow me down a bit this week.

I bet you're as surprised as I am to find out that whiskey could do that to a body! I, for one, thought alcohol was supposed to CURE a cold. But my friend Beth said it was the cause. Oh well, I'm sure I had it coming, hanging out in preschool such as I do.

I think Ikea might be confused. Or I can't count:I thought Thursday to Monday was five days. But then again, that's probably why I'm so lousy at shopping.

Younger Gal has taken to bursting out with, "YES!!!! I have power prayer today!" I'd feel all warm and fuzzy inside and stuff, except that even the first time I heard her, I immediately realized that "power" must be code for "abbreviated", thus the excitement.

These statue of liberties dance by the side of the road all the time. Normally when I see people working these kinds of jobs I feel all, "There but for the grace of God go I."But they even dance when it's raining! So it's either very fun or they have a demanding, unfeeling boss.

What else? Sometimes I think teaching in elementary or middle school might offer more protection from the constant dispersion of bodily fluids that is a preschool classroom. This is fairly typical lunchroom fare at my school:

Me (to another teacher whose son is in my class) - "Well I didn't get to see what was inside the toilet because he flushed it too quickly. But the parts that were floating around on top..."
Her - "Yeah it was like that at home too..."
Me - "And The-Guy deserves an award because yesterday I came home describing your son's poop to him in detail."
Another teacher passing by - "Did you talk about it during dinner?"
Me - "No, not during dinner. It was after dinner. But, you notice, it isn't interrupting our lunch right now."

It seems middle school has its own issues, but they say a change is as good as a break: So yeah. We've had a typical week full-o-fun (and germs) here. Looking forward to another just like it!

Detention slip pic

Happy Birthday Older Gal!

Every holiday birthday offers advantages and disadvantages. The main advantage of a Valentine birthday seems to be that Older Gal will never have to go through all that anxiety and depression most of woman-kind experiences at some point in life, focusing on her Valentine or lack there-of. In Older Gal's case a special day is more or less expected.

I was just talking to a friend about her father's Christmas day birthday. As a child it was a rotton day for a birthday. But she says her father likes it now because there's always family around that day.

My cousin has a St. Patrick day birthday. If we lived in a more Irish part of the country, he'd be gauranteed his pick of parties. But at least there's always a parade.

It's been busy, busy, busy here. The-Guy has been sick, my mom and dad are visiting. We're in the middle of skipping Yom Limmud (a day of learning).

My grandfather's diary was in the newspaper.

Plus, we're being held captive to Amish Friendship Bread. Except we might be freed from it's tyrannous clutches, because I forgot to add flower and sugar four days ago.It doesn't look all that evil, right?

The friendship bread is like an old fashioned chain letter. Except, instead of good or bad luck, you end up with food.

And then your kids want more. And then you're stuck, because every day for ten days you have to follow the instructions. Plus, you have to give the starter away to four other people.

It does turn out yummy though, even if the recipe includes a box of Jello pudding, which makes me a little skeptical about how Amish it could really be.

So that's what's been up over here. Sickness and germs and birthdays and diaries and frienship bread and always, always, always the good for nothing cat desperatly trying to awaken the entire city (starting with me and The-Guy) at four in the morning.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Pictures that aren't mine:
Candy hearts
Friendship bread pic

Contrary to Popular Belief, These Are Not Chicken Hotels

Here's my man, pretending to cough up a hairball in order to offer Sugar moral support. Misery loves company. Ain't hairballs the sexiest?My sweet pea and my boy had "Star Day" at school. My gal was a famous ballerina whose name I can't remember, and my boy was the Jewish Woody Guthrie, although his tzit tzit aren't that noticeable in the picture and his yarmulke is covered by the hat.
My gal was also inducted into one of her three religious youth groups. It was a really nice ceremony type thing, sort of. Except I've been calling it an anti-religious group, because the induction was on the sabbath.These are the non-chicken hotels:
I'd been calling them chicken hotels, because look at the three story high itty bitty windows. I figured it must be something alive in there to require windows, and what live animal could be stacked three stories high like that?

Except the Guy suspected holes in my deductive reasoning powers. He thought cattle was a more likely inhabitant. So we emailed three of the pictures older gal took to someone the guy knows who knows about trains. And he emailed someone else, who emailed yet another train expert.

Alas and alack it turns out that they are not chicken hotels but articulated auto carriers, mostly used by Honda and Nissan.

It's not as boring as it sounds though. Because the itty bitty windows are not so the chickens can have a beautiful view, but so the drivers of the automobiles can exit the train cars. It's a tight squeeze in there, apparently.

So that's been what we've been up to here at Ranch Twipply Skwood. Photographing non-chicken hotels, coughing up hairballs and the like. Hope everyone has had a good week!